How to Handle Difficult Child Exchanges

The best divorces don’t need lawyers.   I may have said it before on here, and I will say it again.  The best way for a marriage to end (if there is such a thing) is that both people agree on the division of property and parenting time.  Then they submit that to the court, the court stamps it, and they are on their way.  This way hopefully the adults can stay friends, and it puts the least stress on the children.

Sadly, this is not always the case.  Sometimes parents use the children as pawns against the other parent.  They will tell the children hurtful things about the other parent, or they will deliberately be late or early to a drop off.  One of the most frustrating and traumatic things is when the parents fight in front of the children at an exchange.  Think of how scary that must be!  They are already stressed out because they don’t understand why they’re not a family anymore, and then the parents add to it by causing a scene.  No wonder so many children scream and cry at exchanges.

If this is your situation, and you want it to stop, don’t worry.  There are many things that you can do, both large and small, to make it go smoother.

Most people want to rush into the most drastic measures.  This can mean keeping the child away from the other parent or getting a restraining order.  This is NOT  the way to go.  Always try to work things out civilly before going to drastic measures.  (Please note, though, that if your life or health are being seriously threatened by someone who has abused you before, you need to contact an attorney or women’s shelter immediately.  The cycle of domestic violence is much more than these simple problems.)  You can start off with small things first.  If you are currently exchanging at a home, try to move it to a public location.  If there is a park near your home where the kids like to play that is a good option.  Most people behave much better when they are at a place that others can see them.  Along the same lines, you can always have someone present with you to be a witness in case things get out of hand.  That witness tends to make people behave.

If that doesn’t work, try moving to a police station.  I am willing to bet that every police station in the country does child exchanges.  You can’t leave your children there, but you can stand in the lobby and wait for the other person to come in.  This way there is an even better witness present—an officer.  They often have surveillance cameras in the lobby as well.  I have used these videos more than once in trial to prove that the other party starts the fights and is dangerous.  If there is a need the officers can also walk you out to your car.

I have had clients that couldn’t even do a police station.  If that is the case, try to find somewhere that is a supervised exchange location.  Here in Denver it is called the Karlis Center.  The parent who is dropping off the children comes at drop off time.  The center has great staff, play areas, and a play ground outside.  The parent who is leaving can tell the kids goodbye and go.  Then the parent who is picking up the kids comes 15 minutes later and takes them home.  That way the parents don’t even have to be in the same parking lot.  This often fixes the problem, and exchanges can be peaceful again.

Only if you are seriously being threatened should you go get a restraining order.  If you just don’t like to see the other person, or you think they’re just talking, then you should not try. Restraining orders will only be granted for the long term if the other person is currently threatening your health or your life, and you have some way to prove it.  Threatening your property, or just cursing at you, is not enough.   Unless you are really in danger, usually they only serve to make the situation worse.  The other person gets mad at you and then refuses to communicate.  The only way to get through the whole process is by open communication between you, denying the other parent time and contact with the child unnecessarily escalates the conflict.  Keep calm for the sake of your children and take the least drastic measures first.

Do whatever you can to help make the divorce as easy and smooth on your children as possible.

Why “Parenting Time” and not “Custody”

Family law in Colorado is different than almost anywhere else in the country.  We are blessed with an active and progressive bar association and bench (lawyers and judges) that takes an active role in making the law as good as possible.  Don’t get me wrong, it is certainly not perfect.  But it is much better than many other states out there.  One of the big differences in Colorado is that we don’t have “custody“, we have “parenting time” and “decision making.”

When I first heard this in law school I thought it was silly.  What does the name matter?  What we’re talking about is who has the kids, isn’t it the same either way?  Turns out that it is much more than a name.   When a parent has custody in the traditional sense it is an all or nothing matter.  The parent who is awarded custody has most of the time with the child and has the right to make all of the decisions without having to consult with the other parent.  That means that a parent who looses custody really is cut out of a lot of the child’s life.  So it makes sense that the parents would fight tooth and nail to get to have custody of the kids.  Who wants to be cut out of their child’s life?

Allowing a judge to decide parenting time and decision making separately means that it is not an all or nothing battle.  Even if one parent only gets every other weekend, he or she can still be involved in making decisions for the child like where they go to school or what medical procedures to approve with the doctor.  That way even if the parent doesn’t get to see the child much they still get to be an active part of their lives.

Language also makes a huge difference.  My professor (the excellent Prof. Clarie Huntington who sadly left CU for greener pastures) said that Colorado attorneys who were around when the terminology changed reported that just changing the words had a huge effect on the parents and the courts.  They realized that the point of caring for children is sharing the responsibility between the parents.  Just using a different term made all the difference in the world.  And it’s true when you think of it.  Colorado lawyers, courts and CFIs all now refer to it as a parent enjoying parenting time, or exercising parenting time, not a parent having custody.  Having custody is a possessive word, it seems like noone else can have it if you have it.  However, if you are exercising or enjoying your parenting time, you are sharing the time with the child with the other parent.  And in most situations that is as it should be.

Remember that while you are ending your relationship with your significant other your child still sees that other person as their father or mother.  It is important that you as the parent as us as lawyers foster a good relationship with both parents.  Only then will the child grow up to be a healthy, whole person.

Disclaimer: Nothing on this page is intended as legal advice, and should not be taken as legal advice.  If you have a question you should consult with a lawyer.  Meggin is certified to practice law only in the state of Colorado.  Because of Colorado’s specific and often progressive laws this information will probably not apply to any other state.  If you live in another state you should consult with a lawyer near you.  This post does not confer any attorney client relationship, and no such relationship is formed until you and I have entered into an express contract.  If you have any questions about any information on my blog please contact me at Meggin at MRutherfordLaw.com .

How to Do Your Own Divorce

Colorado is a great state to live in.  We have fresh air, beautiful mountains, and great people.  We are also fortunate to have a great bar association and judicial system.  These two groups got together to make forms and instructions for filing your own legal case, and then they put them online for everyone.

There is only one problem.  As much as they tried the whole thing is still overwhelming.  There are so many unfamiliar words, and so many little steps to follow.  It’s hard to know if you are doing the right thing, or what it is you are supposed to file.  Some people muddle through, but years later find out that they messed something up, or didn’t address all of the issues that the judge needed to make an order about.  If you find that you want additional help, or want to make sure that everything is done right the first time, I would be happy to help you. Otherwise, I hope that this summary can guide you through the process.

There are a few cases that I believe can be done without a lawyer.  These cases are ones where (1) both people agree that they want a divorce and agree about how the property should be divided, (2) there are no children of the marriage, or (3) there is not much property to fight about.  If you have any children involved in the case or any significant property (a retirement account, real estate, etc) then you should have an attorney involved.

Since I have done many of these cases I have figured out that doing a divorce or a child custody case breaks down into four steps–(1) Initial Paperwork, (2) Financial Information, (3) Settlement Offer and (4) Final Hearing/Trial.  The following is just a brief summary of the basic steps to get a divorce or to finalize an allocation of parental responsibilities case, and more detailed information is available at The Colorado Courts Website.

Step 1: Initial Paperwork.  This is actually quite simple.  You fill out the blanks, make sure you have all the right pages, and then take it to the court and file it with the clerk.  After that, you have to have your ex served with the papers.  You can have the sheriff do it, or you can hire a company to do it.  An attorney can even tell you how to save money and have a friend do it for free.

Step 2: Financial Information.  After you turn in the initial paperwork the court will give you a case management order.  This tells you what it is that you need to do in the next 40 days.  It can be hard to understand, but an attorney can explain it all to you if you choose.  The next 40 days are all about getting together your financial information.  The court will tell you where to find the forms you need to fill out.  You will have to do the Sworn Financial Statement, the supplement to the statement if necessary, as well as send your ex a copy of a lot of information.  You want to be sure that you give your ex all of the correct information.

You also need to make sure that you attend the parenting class if there are children involved in the case.  Each county accepts different classes, so check with your county to see what class you need to take.  You may not like being forced to take  a class, but you should make sure that you pay attention.  The separation of you and your ex is probably the hardest thing the child has ever had to deal with.  Children handle hurt and confusion very differently than adults do, and it may be hard for them to cope.  This class will teach you the very basics of how to do the best thing for your children.

Step 3: Settlement Offer: It is ALWAYS better for you and your ex to agree to what will happen than to let the judge decide.  I have never had a case where either side has been happy with what the judge decided after a trial.  If you don’t have an attorney you can use the state form about the separation agreement and parenting plan.  Fill out what you want to do and then go and talk to your ex about it.  Hopefully you can come to a decision together.  Note that it is very important that you address all of the variations of parenting
time and decision making that you can think of, it will help you later.  If you can come to an agreement, just fill out the form with what you agree to and get it signed and notarized.

You should be aware, though, that the state form does not cover all of the things that may come up in the future.  I have had several clients who come to me a couple of years after they filled out the state form and realize that they didn’t talk about some very important topics.  An attorney knows what is important to include that the state form does not.

Step 4: Final Hearing/Trial.  If you have come to an agreement then your final hearing will be very easy.  You will just take the paperwork to the judge and as long as both of you agree the judge will grant your decree.  However, if you must go to trial, there are some things that you should know.
Did you know that you as a lay person are held to the same standards as a lawyer in trial?  That means that you are supposed to know all of the rules, all of the objections, and all of the procedure.  If you mess up in trial it can come back to bite you later.  Make sure that you know your rights and the procedure so that you get the best result possible.

I hope that this brief summary of the steps of getting a divorce has helped you.  While doing a divorce yourself is difficult, it is doable.  If you find yourself overwhelmed please contact me.  I love helping people like understand the legal system and get the best outcome possible.

Disclaimer: Nothing on this page is intended as legal advice, and should not be taken as legal advice.  If you have a question you should consult with a lawyer.  Meggin is certified to practice law only in the state of Colorado.  Because of Colorado’s specific and often progressive laws this information will probably not apply to any other state.  If you live in another state you should consult with a lawyer near you.  This post does not confer any attorney client relationship, and no such relationship is formed until you and I have entered into an express contract.  If you have any questions about any information on my blog please contact me at Meggin at MRutherfordLaw.com .